My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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