I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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