why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
