what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
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They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
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I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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