I will die if light touches me.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
