Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
porn star boner night. come get it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
