dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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