True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
