Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
