come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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