Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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