there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
