Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
