i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
