She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
