I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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