Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
