Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i think i have two assholes
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
