So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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