I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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