you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
