she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
