Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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