My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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