I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
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This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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