btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
false alarm. still invincible.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
