It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
