apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
