Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
