At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
this is an emotional support booty call
I FOUND THE LEGS
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
