i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
