i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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