Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
