what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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