I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
