it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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