I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
