Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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