Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
