oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
