So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
