Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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