sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
