thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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