I have demons in me.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
