matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
