hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
being pregnant is like rehab
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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