kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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