Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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