As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
ttyl tear gas
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
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she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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