think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
