the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
