she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
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In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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