We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
