Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
