I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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