Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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