Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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