I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
